College Christians and Sex

I talked to a couple guys at a local parachurch organization today. We all go to UofL. I was disappointed in them. Not only was one young man unable or unwilling to discuss sexuality in even the vaguest of terms, but the ideas that the remaining men expressed were...untrue, dysfuntional. They thought things such as "girls only date guys they're physically attracted to, since I do. Any woman getting married wants sex with her husband and understands what that is. Every woman will enjoy the act of sex, and if she doesn't there's something wrong with her. Attraction and chemistry are the same thing. Love and lust are the same thing."

Not. True.

None of that is true. PARTICULARLY for Christian virgin women. As far as I can tell they usually know so little of their own sexuality they can barely discern what attraction is. They know so little of their bodies they can hardly discern interest. Some don't know what they want or even if they LIKE being touched, let alone what kind of touching they like. Some are terrified to touch themselves in the shower, and certainly have never masturbated, so not only are they completely unable to help their guy with instruction but they have to fight against a lifetime of guilt and terror associated with their sexuality on their honeymoon night. If the guy is a virgin neither probably have any concept of "foreplay" (as these college guys I talked to today seemed to lack). I feel ill for these couples when I think of the disasterousness of their first coupling. Frightening, discordant, and painful. Lovely way to start a marriage.

Now, I'm a virgin. I've never even gone to second base, and yet I have more than enough knowledge about these things and a thorough understanding of why it's important to know the other side and to know yourself. Why? Because I talk to people! I look stuff up and I talk to people.

The idea that a couple wouldn't discuss their sexual wants or expectations until marriage counseling (just weeks before the marriage) is ludicrous to me. I'm not saying yes to a proposal until I know what exactly that man expects from sex (and how he plans to raise the kids). I'm not talking explicits, but at least an idea of what he expects from himself, and me. Since it's something I'm probably going to be doing at least once a week I think it's pretty important to know.

How is it that any discussion of sexuality is so taboo? Why do they talk about it only after marriage, after dysfunction has been discovered? Why is Christian sexuality only reactive and not proactive? This really really concerns me.

What concerns me more is that as sex and sexuality are so taboo, and certainly Christians are encouraged not to engage in anything sexual, and yet also not informed about the other sex's ideas of sexuality, the Christians are only being told of sex, seeing presentations of sex and sexuality, from secular culture. So, there are men decrying masturbation who do it daily, who look at porn to learn about women's sexuality, women supporting purity while they sleep with their boyfriends, who read romance novels and watch Nip/Tuck to learn about male sexuality. It's dysfunctional and two faced and distressing.

I will write more on this later.