What I Tell Myself When My Heart Aches and My Mind Races

There's something that I once learned that I find really useful, I think it was called taking a mini-vacation but maybe that's just the name I made for it in my head.
It can be really useful in all sorts of situations, like when I get out of a test and I think I might have done poorly, instead of walking to a bench and crying, or telling myself how horrible I've done I say to myself (usually in my head or very quietly) "I have goals, I will succeed, there is grace in this world even for people who have been in prison and if I did poorly on this test there is grace for me. One day I will look back at this and whether it is good or bad it will be a blip. This one thing does not determine my value." Then I imagine myself smiling at my success in the future.

So, day to day this happens, or rather test to test, but I use it in another way, too; when I can't sleep. Now, when I can't sleep sometimes I'm very distressed, sometimes I'm just wired because I forgot my no-caffeine-after-six-p.m. rule, sometimes I just feel anxious and I can't really pinpoint it. What's worse is the harder I try to sleep the more difficult it tends to be to actually sleep. I have a sleep cd that does guided imagery for sleep, and that's a life saver, but sometimes it's not enough because my mind will stray to thoughts and if those thoughts are even briefly upsetting than I'm back to square one. Instead what I do is I tell myself a story in those thoughts, so when I get distracted I go to the story until my mind can go back to the body-awareness/guided imagery CD.

There are some really important books to me, books like Lord of the Rings, and Tales of The Kingdom, and The Bible that have really shaped my idea of what an ideal place is like. Also, when I was in my last year at university I created a world that I saw as a dystopia and one I saw as a(an?) utopia. That utopic idea is incorporated as well.

There have been few times that I have told myself this story and not fallen asleep, and none that I didn't at least feel better. This is what I say;

There is a place where you can go. The people who know about it can always find it, and the people who don't never can. Around this land is a wall, thick and high. No bomb can penetrate its walls and it stretches up into the stratosphere.
You are safe here and nothing can follow you but the guilt you feel.
In this land there are no biting or stinging creepy crawlers (and by this I mean insects, arachnids, or spiders). The grass is short and soft in most places, and safe and golden where it's not.
The people in this land remember you when you're gone and are always happy to see you. You are never forgotten, never excluded from life. They welcome you fondly and send you off with kindness and a bit of sadness. The people here only kill what they need and use everything they kill. They live amongst the trees and in harmony with the land. They farm and harvest the fruits of the trees. They live peaceful lives.
Here the people appreciate every person and every kind of person and the contributions that they give to the whole. They raise children in warmth and community, no one is isolated and no one is ostracisized, not even those who are naturally sullen. They eat together in plenty but no more than is used and useful.
These people are not perfect, they have conflicts, but they resolve them healthily and with reasonableness, the elders in the group helping to mediate and teach those who are still learning and still guided by hotter passions.
This land has groves of tall trees on hills and sweeping planes, streams and a soft sanded beach opening to a bay and just in the edge of your vision you can see the wall rising high and gray above the waters.
The weather is temperate.
And there is someone there who isn't just glad to see you but feels a deep and resonating joy. He misses you truly when you are gone, he mourns with your losses, and when you are there he doesn't just welcome you but informs you of what is going on. He makes sure you never feel left out, he would never leave you out. He is a joy and a comfort. His strength makes you forget what stressed you and his calm and earnest demeanor relaxes you. He is a safe haven, there is no conflict that cannot be resolved in his company. And you sit beside him along the stream as the sun pours down and warms your skin. You are wanted, preferred company. If you wish to sleep he will guide you to a hammock where you two will lie together with the warm sun and the sound of soft trickling water and rest, free of stress or expectation, free of politics and history, accepted as you are.

I just kind of repeat that to myself with only slight variation. I don't suppose that it's an actual "story" as it has no conflict and no resolution, but it works wonders for evening me out inside. The point of this is a place where I make all the rules and it's ok. Whatever about myself or reality is intruding and distressing me can't come to this place. I can participate in a life, in my mind, where my definition of success is everywhere and without exception. It's also meant to be a vacation, it's not something that I dwell on during the day or wish I had all the time, it's an escape to rejuvenate myself.

I think it's really great and I may have mentioned it before, but I would really suggest to people that they make up their own vacation. I would also suggest that it not be with people you know, at least that's best for me, because then it could cross into how you wish someone was and altering your situation or making you unhappy with your situation are not the goals of this.

That's all. I hope you found it interesting.

Mother's Day

I am grateful for my mom. She always loves me and is quite patient and unselfish, and I think that's really awesome. She really comes through for me and I want her to be in my life for a long time.

Avengers

Avengers was a spectacular movie. I attended the midnight showing on Thursday and was not disappointed. The crowd was full of eager fans and the Easter egg at the very end was apt. The depictions of the characters were balanced and humanizing. The adventure was fast paced, the dialogue quick and witty. Each of the heroes in perfect form, Captain America, Thor, the Hulk, and Iron Man, as well as Nick Fury. To the others, Black Widow and Hawkeye, I can't attest as I can't recall reading much about their characters during my comic fan years. All that said, they still incorporated even the lesser known characters in a compassionate and in depth manner.

I'm definitely going to have to buy the movie, and I'm really hoping for an extended cut. With those heroes, 2:20 is not long enough.

What I Would Do With $150,000

Recently, a few people won a huge some of money in a big'ol lottery. They won a lot of money, millions. I go to college and teach ESL in the evenings, I cannot even imagine what I would do with $1,000,000 dollars, let alone more than that. I can, however, imagine exactly what I would do with $150,000. Though I understand that the likelihood of me ever having that much money is slim.

First:

I would put away $70,000 in an interest accruing account for graduate school. I'm going to get my graduate degree in Counseling and Art Therapy. :-)

Second:

I would drop $25,000 to pay off my present debt, most of it student loans.

Third:

I would open another account and put $15,000 in there in case things ever got really bad. That's enough for me to live meagerly and pay rent for a year.

Fourth:

I would give $15,000 to charitable organizations, because if I have that kind of good fortune I need to give some of it back.

Fifth:

I would invest $15,000 in my health. Going to the doctor for a physical, getting my teeth fixed (I need implants, and my jaw is too small for my teeth), going to a nutritionist, and getting whatever medicines it might turn out that I need.

Sixth:

I would give $5,000 to my parents, because they've given me so much.

Seventh:

I would put $4,000 in an account to begin saving for a small, portable, eco-friendly, economically friendly,  light-on-the-grid home.

See link about a family who did something like this, it's so awesome: http://dynamicsubspace.net/2011/06/05/family-of-three-live-in-320-sq-ft-custom-built-house-cost-20000-no-mortgage/

Finally:

I would put $1,000 dollars in my bank account to make life just a little easier.

Who knows, maybe I would get enough scholarships and grants for graduate school that I could redirect some of that money to the house. That would be really awesome. It will be awesome, period, if I can get most of my grad school paid for by scholarships and grants. 

If you would like to help me by donating, feel free to leave a comment and I'll get back to you, you can even say where you would like the money directed. If not, that's fine, at least I put it out there. :-)

College Christians and Sex

I talked to a couple guys at a local parachurch organization today. We all go to UofL. I was disappointed in them. Not only was one young man unable or unwilling to discuss sexuality in even the vaguest of terms, but the ideas that the remaining men expressed were...untrue, dysfuntional. They thought things such as "girls only date guys they're physically attracted to, since I do. Any woman getting married wants sex with her husband and understands what that is. Every woman will enjoy the act of sex, and if she doesn't there's something wrong with her. Attraction and chemistry are the same thing. Love and lust are the same thing."

Not. True.

None of that is true. PARTICULARLY for Christian virgin women. As far as I can tell they usually know so little of their own sexuality they can barely discern what attraction is. They know so little of their bodies they can hardly discern interest. Some don't know what they want or even if they LIKE being touched, let alone what kind of touching they like. Some are terrified to touch themselves in the shower, and certainly have never masturbated, so not only are they completely unable to help their guy with instruction but they have to fight against a lifetime of guilt and terror associated with their sexuality on their honeymoon night. If the guy is a virgin neither probably have any concept of "foreplay" (as these college guys I talked to today seemed to lack). I feel ill for these couples when I think of the disasterousness of their first coupling. Frightening, discordant, and painful. Lovely way to start a marriage.

Now, I'm a virgin. I've never even gone to second base, and yet I have more than enough knowledge about these things and a thorough understanding of why it's important to know the other side and to know yourself. Why? Because I talk to people! I look stuff up and I talk to people.

The idea that a couple wouldn't discuss their sexual wants or expectations until marriage counseling (just weeks before the marriage) is ludicrous to me. I'm not saying yes to a proposal until I know what exactly that man expects from sex (and how he plans to raise the kids). I'm not talking explicits, but at least an idea of what he expects from himself, and me. Since it's something I'm probably going to be doing at least once a week I think it's pretty important to know.

How is it that any discussion of sexuality is so taboo? Why do they talk about it only after marriage, after dysfunction has been discovered? Why is Christian sexuality only reactive and not proactive? This really really concerns me.

What concerns me more is that as sex and sexuality are so taboo, and certainly Christians are encouraged not to engage in anything sexual, and yet also not informed about the other sex's ideas of sexuality, the Christians are only being told of sex, seeing presentations of sex and sexuality, from secular culture. So, there are men decrying masturbation who do it daily, who look at porn to learn about women's sexuality, women supporting purity while they sleep with their boyfriends, who read romance novels and watch Nip/Tuck to learn about male sexuality. It's dysfunctional and two faced and distressing.

I will write more on this later.

I photoshopped Myself Today

Cleaned up my skin, made my eyes and teeth whiter, lengthened my chin a little and narrowed my jaw, made my mouth a little broader and my eyes a little further apart. I think it looks absolutely stunning. It's depressing.
The changes are subtle but significant based on what I understand to be the cultural ideal. I understand that there are many aspects that are still not "ideal," for example: my nose (but I LIKE my nose!),  my weight (there was no way I could photoshop collar bones into this picture, I thought about it), my hair (thickness, color, frizzies), that one front tooth that sticks just a little bit forward, the slight asymmetry of my nostrils, lips, and eyebrows, and the prominence of my cheekbones, but my goal was to create ideal proportions, and I was pretty depressed when I finished.

For the record, the top picture is the original, with my messy table in the background. The second is photoshopped.

Note: Using photoshop to change your own face to make it prettier, particularly in ways that are cosmetically impossible (like moving your eyes further apart) is a lesson is self-degradation. I wonder if models and tv/movie stars have really low self-esteem...

Fringe 4/6

You know a show that surprises you at its twists and turns? Yes, well, I don't know many of them, but Fringe does not disappoint! I love that I can't predict this show, often not even the next episode, and yet, when I look back, I see how it was woven together. It's just brilliant and clever and endearing.

Ok, I've ended my 40 day Lentian fast from sugar and I'm a little hyper....

Friday's episode of Fringe certainly didn't disappoint me. I was exceptionally pleased with an entire episode from the other side and the double Lincolns were quite fun. I can feel for Lincoln whose entire world has been turned upside down twice now this season, and it was nice to see the more relaxed version of Olivia. Now, I would never say that Olivia doesn't deserve love, and I think that Peter is just right for who she is, but that doesn't make what happened to her or how high strung she is any less tragic. The Olivia on the other side does appear to be a less damaged personality, and it's nice to see. I love that they can potentially satisfy both Olivia's need for Peter and Lincoln's need for Olivia without throwing Peter through an inter-dimensional portal (I hope).

That was, of course, what I feared when the previous episode showed Lincoln mooning over Olivia and showing a subtle resentment toward Peter. Particularly his obvious disappointment and self-loathing after his talk with Peter. As well as  his hurt and shock at Olivia's willingness to forget...him. At that point I thought they were going to turn Lincoln into an accidental enemy and a foil for Peter. You know, Peter is a big tough guy who's morally good, he has a soul mate, he turns worlds inside out to save her. I thought they were going to make Lincoln into the guy who seemed nice but who had a corrupt character at the base of him, a weak man, who when falling in transient love, causes the one he loves to suffer rather than suffer himself, and in doing so destroys everything that was built. I'm really hoping they've avoided that path with this episode!

I was also pleased by the apparent solidifying of a unifying enemy. So now the worlds are no longer at war with each other but with a common enemy.

I also enjoyed the banter between the Lincolns.

The only complaint I have is that they killed off the alternate Lincoln. Aside from it being an awful lot of work for a single actor to play two characters in the same episode I fail to see why they did that, particularly as quickly as they did. Of course, I've been surprised before so I really should withhold judgement.

This does also bring up the question of whether or not FauxLivia believes that people on both sides are the same person. The first episode in the season saw Olivia insisting that they were different people, not FauxLivia (if memory serves) so that's something to consider. And, how will this budding friendship/romance work?

Well, that's about all for me.