Race Discrimination

The tragic story of Trayvon Martin has made me think of a lot of things lately.
Firstly, I want to say that I find both the mass publicizing of this wonderful and tragic. Wonderful that a public outcry is finally getting something done, wonderful that this boy is being recognized as a valid person. Tragic that it took a public outcry to bring him justice, tragic that there is still so much racism and corruption in the country.

It's made me think about how I look at people.

If you don't know, how people look at people and how they perceive and treat others takes up a big portion of my thoughts on a regular basis. Ironically, I rarely consider race and usually consider socioeconomic conditions and weight. Particularly, as a big girl from a poor family I take these issues personally. In reference to stereotype threat all someone would have to do is tell me I'm fat and disadvantaged because I was raised in an impoverished family and I'm sure whatever test I was doing would have a dramatically lower score than I am capable of achieving. Personally, I find it incredibly difficult to work out around very thin people because my mind is consumed not with how many calories I should burn or how good it feels to exercise or how much better I'm doing, but with how disgusted everyone around me must think I am, how they think I probably work out once a month, how they think I'm probably planning to stuff my face with donuts after I work out, how useless it is to be there, how gross they think I am, how they are so happy they look better than me. When I was a member of a gym I would often have to stop or slow my work out because I was beginning to cry thinking of what they must think of me and I couldn't breathe. If I worked out really hard I'd look at myself in the mirror on the way out and often ended up crying on the way home. If I don't go to a gym I don't have to think about how half the country probably thinks I'm a waste of air.

I guess it's good that they don't think I'm suspicious.

Aside from my own weight issues, admittedly brought on by a prolonged bout of singleness, an attempt to find what's "wrong" with me, and an extended stay in South Korea where people are vocal and cruel about anyone who is overweight, my parents raised me to look at the content of someone character, not the color of their skin.

Through this entire episode I just keep thinking how shocking and tragic it is. I think back to the military housing when I was a child and the rich diversity there, to the apartment housing when I was a teen and the masses of internationals that lived around me and also struggled with poverty, to the ESL program I helped with in high school, and all my non-white friends in college. I think of the friends of many nationalities and races I made in South Korea and the students I now teach in my adult ESL class.

If one of them were gunned down on the street, if one of them were shot for having a hoodie up during the rain, for walking in a neighborhood, for having a turban or a scarf or any number of things; I would be horrified. I would be outraged. I'd want blood.

I am grateful that of all the mistakes my parents made they made a special effort to teach me that race does not define a person, that where they grew up does not define a person, it's the choices they make now.

This got me thinking, I'm white, what stereotypes do I have? As I walked around, as I watched people I thought, I thought about how I perceived them, I looked into my heart. What I'm about to say is not a defense of myself, it's an honest examination of how I perceive people at first glance. Everyone has some "cultural biases" aka. prejudice. Discrimination is when you treat someone differently BECAUSE of your cultural biases. Know what your biases are, know why you have them, and hold them back if you can't change them right away, and change them if you can. That's what being a progressive evolved human being is; it's not never having a bias, false reinforcement ensures we all have them, it's being aware of them and actively resisting letting them influence how you treat someone.

It shocks me that so many people have left so many hateful comments on SO MANY articles. I've read articles from dozens of news papers about Trayvon and EVERY ONE has been accompanied by people saying...just horrible things. There was. No reason. To shoot him. At all. Period.

And if being suspended makes someone a felon than most kids in school these days are felons. My sister got suspended SEVERAL times in high school. Once for taking out a broken cell phone during lunch.

Back to biases. As I looked around my campus I see a lot of people. People in dressier clothes, I usually think they have a business class they're going to. Those in grungier clothes, I assume they haven't learned the value of dressing nicely. When I see a black man walking through my campus, unless he's wearing gasta clothes (and yes, I do have a bias if someone has one pant leg pulled up and they're wobble-walking and all wearing one color and a kerchif or something on their head AND they look like they're bravado is big enough to get into a fight if someone looks at them funny. I guess I will have to meet a nice person who just walks around looking like that and glaring at people before my opinion changes), I don't really think anything. He could be sagging and wearing a tank top, or in cargo shorts, or a hoodie, or khakis  and a button up, I'd just think 'he's a student, he's a college student'.

Speaking of gansta, if anyone one looks gansta, black, Asian, white, Latino, particularly if they also look angry, I am cautious. This has more to do with my aversion to gangs and violent men than any race or social issue. Actually, if any man looks angry I'm likely to avoid him. I believe it's called self-preservation.

If a woman is wearing Muslim clothing than I feel curious, I want to stop and ask her about her life. I also feel a little sad. I do assume she is oppressed in some way. I wonder if Muslim men resent non-Muslims, I wonder if they order their moms around or hit their wives. I do not think they could be terrorists unless they do something threatening. I have only met one or two Muslims who I ever thought could do something like that. I've met more white men who I think could blow up people.

If I was walking down a street and a black guy was walking up behind me, what would I do? Slow down, look him in the eye, nod, stay toward the street. The exact same thing I'd do if any guy was walking behind me on a street, or in front of me. I'm a little paranoid alone around men. I have a sex based bias. I don't assume a woman would mug me, though I try not to walk down streets at night period. If there was a group of guys I would probably move to the other side of the street. It would not matter their color. The bad thing is that I feel guilty for admitting this. I feel like people are thinking "what a dumb b****, she's not pretty enough to be raped, she doesn't have to worry." Then I realize that that very thought assumes that only pretty girls are raped, and that women's bodies are the reason why someone would attack them. So much wrong about all of that.

If I see a woman with a bunch of kids what do I think? Um, that depends on a lot of things. How well kept the kids are, the quality of clothes, how the mom treats the kids, what store they're in, how the mom talks.

If I see a man with a child I think it's probably his kid.

When I see someone walking down the street I usually think they're going home or going to the store.

If any stranger yells at me it scares me and I start creating plans in my head to defend myself should the person get violent. If someone follows me I think they might have ill intentions, and I usually make a point to slow down and make eye contact, so if they are just walking the same way than I seem a little odd, if they want to talk to me they can, and if they have ill intent they now have to confront me rather than sneaking up on me.

Do I assume Latinos are Mexican or illegal? Um, no, I assume they speak Spanish and probably have a big family.

Do I think Asians are smart? No, I've known too many. haha. Joke. Really though.

Do I think Indians are all IT guys? Noooo. Short maybe, but that's only because I haven't met a tall Indian yet.

Do I think Native Americans own casinos? No, though I think they're exotic. It's a bias but only harmful in that I consider other people less exotic.

Do I think African Americans are loud or dangerous? No, I think some people are loud, but I've known a lot of African Americans who are not loud or rude or anything other than wonderful people.

I analyzed a lot of things, thought about a lot of things. I'm shocked that some people can say such things about race.

Hmmm, and I'm intellectualist. I tend to look down on people who aren't well educated. That's one prejudice I don't regulate very well. If someone makes a bad choice I assume they're not educated, if someone is a criminal I assume they didn't do well in school, and I'm resistant to dating someone who only has a high school education. It is a prejudice, it's not correct, but I struggle to change it. So, what I can do is withhold comment and judgement when I meet a new person until I get to know them. I know the world is a much bigger place than my mind would make it.

Maybe saying these things makes me racist. I hope it just makes me honest.