I've been finding myself lately ruminating over the same thought. Over and over and over and over. But, ironically, I find it hard to put it into words. Or maybe...I can.
I want nothing but God.
I want that desperately. I want it more and more each day. It permiates my thoughts dozens of times an hour. It stirs every atom in my body. I want to know Him and be known.
It's a living ache inside of me. A desperate striving. Just to know and be known by the Living God.
Nothing else matters, whispers a voice in my heart. I would do anything, I would give up anything, the world is a vapor compared to this. Nothing else matters.
And, interestingly, those thoughts motivate me to live. Sort of; this world is a vapor, breathe it in. But it's so confusing, because right now I'm a vapor, too. I feel like a ghost who wants to feel the Sun on my face.
And, I'm afraid. Afraid to be that committed, to be in one hundred percent, to hold nothing back. I'm not even sure what that looks like, that I've ever seen it, but it's like a tug of war inside of me. I feel like I should give it all away, and yet I have no physical proof for such an action. I feel like I should live but I don't know what direction I need to go. Like there's so much to be done, but I'm done with it all.
And, I just want Him. I just want His presence. I want to kneel before His throne and never leave. I want to breathe. I feel like I'm in a body that doesn't fit.
Also, I want to be worthy of His presence, but I don't think I can be. That, of course, brings up an entirely other internal debate.
Am I the only one who thinks like this?
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