So often in my life I've felt like that scene in Dante's Infirno, where you're constantly chasing flags while fleeing a swarm of bees, knowing both that you'll never catch the flags and if you stop you'll be overtaken.
My greatest terror is not that I'll end up alone, or even that I'll end up with someone "bad," but that on the day that I am judged, as I wait in longing, it will turn out that longing for God was not enough. That believing with what little faith I have was not enough. That it will turn out that I simply didn't get it, or, for you Calvinists, that It simply didn't get me. And that God will turn to me and not know me and not love me and I'll be cast from the presence of the one thing I truly ache for. Perhaps because I didn't ache for it enough while not in His presence.
Which brings me to wonder about a works based salvation and if, in fact, that's really what I've turned this into. Even if the work is "getting it." I have a difficult time believing that believing and confessing is all we do, or that we only have to do it once. And, even if it's true, how do we know personally that we're among the elect?
There's a song by Sojourn that goes -
Mistaken souls that dream of heaven and make their empty boast
of inward joy and sins forgiven while slaves to greed and lust
I am terrified of being that person, the mistaken soul. It's a desperate consuming terror. Forget Hell. This isn't even a discussion of the punishment as much as the deprivation of the presence of God. How could you even notice suffering if you'd just seen Him only to be deprived of Him? Your own internal suffering would overwhelm everything else. The dispair would be never ending. And that's what I'm afraid of.
I'm not fool enough to claim inward joy. I'm not sure I've ever had sustainable joy or peace. I long for it, but I've not got it. Instead, I have longing. Consuming longing for something I can neither see nor sense nor touch. I've never felt much different any of the hundred times I said the sinner's prayer as a child, nor when I said my own as an adolescent, nor when I was baptized. I thought there was supposed to be something, like, like love at first sight. You just *know*. But all I know is that the older I get the more I realize that I don't *know* much.
Being a Christian is supposed to change us. How much and how fast? How much and how fast is personal proof? Or, is personal improvement not proof of anything more than a strong will? What if you didn't want to improve? Situational conditioning? Softening with age? If "belief" is all that's require than those who prayed a prayer and went on to live their lives as normal, are they going to be in heaven? Will God know their names? Will he know mine, even if I had sins I never overcame?
And, what is the standard for a godly woman? I hear things like good marriage is a "godly man and a godly woman pursuing and loving one another through godly means." But...what is godly? That goes back to the "how much is enough?" question. And, I don't ask it in a desire to do as little as required, rather more the opposite, but a desire to have some point in which I can quench that nagging voice that tells me that I never do enough I never am enough. I tend to go with "you're godly if you're as perfectly like God as a human can be." Unfortunately I'm pretty sure I'll never reach that standard while alive, and if I've somehow misunderstood the Gospel than not when I'm dead either. So, what happens if I meet a godly guy? Well, if he's interested in me than I can't accept his advances because I am most certainly not godly. Though equally I'd be baffled how he managed godliness. And yet, to live as an unbeliever is unacceptable, right? To bend scripture to make excuses, or to fit it to what you understand of the practical world, or to what you desire or think is best; all of that is unacceptable. So, if you don't do that are you godly? Or, do you have to do that plus be sociable (an extrovert if possible, get brain surgery if neccessary), have an hour long quiet time every day, write devotionals, be a leader (be going into ministry if possible, apparently there's one acceptable reason for debt; seminary) in some ministry in the church, go to church at least twice a week, participate in at least one weekly bible study, street evangelize, go on mission trips for foreign countries, wear cardigans and kackies, pray under your breath all the time, adopt an annoying person, read only Christian books, and have at least one accountability partner (or, if you're a woman, also have a mentor).
Is that what being a good Christian is?
If I somehow manage all that plus a job and personal interests without having an nervous breakdown will I than feel solid in my salvation?
If we can't be saved through good works can we be sanctified through them?
Can you *want* to be saved but not be allowed?
Is desire proof enough? What if desire rarely (or never) becomes action? What then?
How do you define godliness, and why does everyone assume that the definition is universally understood?
And, how do I know that I'm not just chasing after the wind in everything I do. And, if perchance I look inside myself and see that all my motives are tainted, that all actions are selfish at their root, then what? How does someone corrupted in a corrupt world become pure? How can I become anything to anyone? How can I be sure God wants me and has chosen me? How can I work out my salvation with fear and trembling so that the fear and trembling eventually gives way to confidence and...godliness (whatever that looks like)?
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