Neurosis, the Other side of Being Okay

Yesterday was was a hectic morning and hectic afternoon followed by six odd hours of talking with people at the campus ministry. Frankly, it was a good four hours of things that were honestly felt but shouldn't have been honestly shared. I did not watch my words and now I'm going to spend the next month looking over my shoulder. I also messaged the guy who gave me his number, but he has not responded. I assume he changed his mind. If he did, that's his right, people change their minds.

But, very big but, I got my grad packet submitted in it's entirety. And, it snowed beautifully. It was really truly beautiful and ethereal.

Today was much more positive, much more productive. Class, then running around trying to finish financial aid things and pay for things and make sure my grad packet was in. I ran into some Korean students and gave them my number. I printed something off at the library and came to the realization that it will be cheaper in the long run for me to buy ink and paper and print off at home. I went to the registrar's office and finally got in the third class, the one I was wait listed for. Apparently there was a glitch in the system so it's good that I did go.

I wrote out a couple of lists, one of to-dos, one of questions about the university.

I called work to find out when I had to be in today, and then ended up running back to the house to get my checkbook and go back to the university to pay for my classes because the amount was too big to pay for with a check card. Was a bit late to work but called them to tell them and my manager was cool. Work was good. It is good to work. It's too bad work doesn't pay more.

Finally, I came home and drank a beer and proceeded to bawl in front of my younger sister. I had a dream last night that my mother was in a horrible car crash and her arm was severed. While I was at the campus ministry center yesterday I felt this sense of déjà vu that I'd had this dream where I was in the ministry center and I received a call from my father to tell me my mother had died. I thought I had dealt with the stress of my mother having yet another test today, this time for lung cancer, but her having horrible headaches is shaking me up, apparently much more than anticipated. Mostly it centers around the belief that no one will ever listen to me or put me first or nurture me or take care of me ever again after she passes away. I have no proof to the contrary. A good cry is always good, but not always good in front of another person. So, no more beer for me until everything with my mother's health is resolved. I know I should trust Jesus and give everything to him, but he never responds.

Many things accomplished but many things to do tomorrow too.