What I Tell Myself When My Heart Aches and My Mind Races

There's something that I once learned that I find really useful, I think it was called taking a mini-vacation but maybe that's just the name I made for it in my head.
It can be really useful in all sorts of situations, like when I get out of a test and I think I might have done poorly, instead of walking to a bench and crying, or telling myself how horrible I've done I say to myself (usually in my head or very quietly) "I have goals, I will succeed, there is grace in this world even for people who have been in prison and if I did poorly on this test there is grace for me. One day I will look back at this and whether it is good or bad it will be a blip. This one thing does not determine my value." Then I imagine myself smiling at my success in the future.

So, day to day this happens, or rather test to test, but I use it in another way, too; when I can't sleep. Now, when I can't sleep sometimes I'm very distressed, sometimes I'm just wired because I forgot my no-caffeine-after-six-p.m. rule, sometimes I just feel anxious and I can't really pinpoint it. What's worse is the harder I try to sleep the more difficult it tends to be to actually sleep. I have a sleep cd that does guided imagery for sleep, and that's a life saver, but sometimes it's not enough because my mind will stray to thoughts and if those thoughts are even briefly upsetting than I'm back to square one. Instead what I do is I tell myself a story in those thoughts, so when I get distracted I go to the story until my mind can go back to the body-awareness/guided imagery CD.

There are some really important books to me, books like Lord of the Rings, and Tales of The Kingdom, and The Bible that have really shaped my idea of what an ideal place is like. Also, when I was in my last year at university I created a world that I saw as a dystopia and one I saw as a(an?) utopia. That utopic idea is incorporated as well.

There have been few times that I have told myself this story and not fallen asleep, and none that I didn't at least feel better. This is what I say;

There is a place where you can go. The people who know about it can always find it, and the people who don't never can. Around this land is a wall, thick and high. No bomb can penetrate its walls and it stretches up into the stratosphere.
You are safe here and nothing can follow you but the guilt you feel.
In this land there are no biting or stinging creepy crawlers (and by this I mean insects, arachnids, or spiders). The grass is short and soft in most places, and safe and golden where it's not.
The people in this land remember you when you're gone and are always happy to see you. You are never forgotten, never excluded from life. They welcome you fondly and send you off with kindness and a bit of sadness. The people here only kill what they need and use everything they kill. They live amongst the trees and in harmony with the land. They farm and harvest the fruits of the trees. They live peaceful lives.
Here the people appreciate every person and every kind of person and the contributions that they give to the whole. They raise children in warmth and community, no one is isolated and no one is ostracisized, not even those who are naturally sullen. They eat together in plenty but no more than is used and useful.
These people are not perfect, they have conflicts, but they resolve them healthily and with reasonableness, the elders in the group helping to mediate and teach those who are still learning and still guided by hotter passions.
This land has groves of tall trees on hills and sweeping planes, streams and a soft sanded beach opening to a bay and just in the edge of your vision you can see the wall rising high and gray above the waters.
The weather is temperate.
And there is someone there who isn't just glad to see you but feels a deep and resonating joy. He misses you truly when you are gone, he mourns with your losses, and when you are there he doesn't just welcome you but informs you of what is going on. He makes sure you never feel left out, he would never leave you out. He is a joy and a comfort. His strength makes you forget what stressed you and his calm and earnest demeanor relaxes you. He is a safe haven, there is no conflict that cannot be resolved in his company. And you sit beside him along the stream as the sun pours down and warms your skin. You are wanted, preferred company. If you wish to sleep he will guide you to a hammock where you two will lie together with the warm sun and the sound of soft trickling water and rest, free of stress or expectation, free of politics and history, accepted as you are.

I just kind of repeat that to myself with only slight variation. I don't suppose that it's an actual "story" as it has no conflict and no resolution, but it works wonders for evening me out inside. The point of this is a place where I make all the rules and it's ok. Whatever about myself or reality is intruding and distressing me can't come to this place. I can participate in a life, in my mind, where my definition of success is everywhere and without exception. It's also meant to be a vacation, it's not something that I dwell on during the day or wish I had all the time, it's an escape to rejuvenate myself.

I think it's really great and I may have mentioned it before, but I would really suggest to people that they make up their own vacation. I would also suggest that it not be with people you know, at least that's best for me, because then it could cross into how you wish someone was and altering your situation or making you unhappy with your situation are not the goals of this.

That's all. I hope you found it interesting.

Mother's Day

I am grateful for my mom. She always loves me and is quite patient and unselfish, and I think that's really awesome. She really comes through for me and I want her to be in my life for a long time.

Avengers

Avengers was a spectacular movie. I attended the midnight showing on Thursday and was not disappointed. The crowd was full of eager fans and the Easter egg at the very end was apt. The depictions of the characters were balanced and humanizing. The adventure was fast paced, the dialogue quick and witty. Each of the heroes in perfect form, Captain America, Thor, the Hulk, and Iron Man, as well as Nick Fury. To the others, Black Widow and Hawkeye, I can't attest as I can't recall reading much about their characters during my comic fan years. All that said, they still incorporated even the lesser known characters in a compassionate and in depth manner.

I'm definitely going to have to buy the movie, and I'm really hoping for an extended cut. With those heroes, 2:20 is not long enough.