Long Day

You know those days that go by too fast and not fast enough. I certainly felt it today. 

Woke early to nightmares only to be re-awoken by a call from my mother telling my sister was in the hospital. 

Was up after that with only 6 hours sleep and feeling really worked over. I've been experiencing some anxiety over the past 4 or so days with varying intensity. It is frustrating. 

To make matters worse I decided to go through old blog entries on this site and take down all the ones I didn't think represented me or other people well. There were...several. Most were dismally depressing. Having to read through them was profoundly unpleasant. Glad that's over!

I studied for my test and, pleasantly, make a 96% What I find nice is even in this time of anxiety and feeling a kind of weakening of my self-confidence, I can study for a test and then take a test and think "Hey, maybe I'll make 100%" instead of "Maybe I'll fail." 

Just feel a bit like some worry worm is eating at my innards. Hopefully, I can do everything and prove to myself I'm still doing well and get it to go away even if everything is not perfect, because aiming for perfect is unrealistic, you know? 

Had a chat with a friend tonight and he said something I found really encouraging, so I'm posting it, so I can go back and see it again and believe someone believes that about me even when I'm feeling anxious. 

"I think, based on what I know, you do very well with what you got. You should be very confident in yourself."

There it is. To the friend who said it, should you read it, thanks; it meant a lot to me. 

So, I've been up for 18 hours, anxious for half the day, a paper due tomorrow, about 30 things to do in the next week an a half and my cycle is late. 

Onwards and upwards!

 

Yoga

Yes, yoga.

Not the relaxing western art you thought it was. Not the excessive  stretching exercise you thought it was. But rather, an hour of intensive muscle toning, while trying to pretzel yourself into impossible positions, and with the sage advice to "breathe deeply."

Anyone who does yoga has to be into pain just a little bit.
I'm still sore from Monday's session and it's Wednesday. Lucky for me, I love yoga.

I'm quite convinced that the yoga instructor has decided to whip us into shape for summer, because the sessions have become exponentially harder in the last two weeks.  I'm told she went to a yoga conference. That could have done it too.

Big Talk, Small Faith

I find myself talking a lot about grace lately; about how you can try hard not be afraid you're going to fail because God will work with your failures just as well as your successes, about how there are second chances, about the good things God will give you, about how you don't have to live life on the defensive.

I talk about grace a lot. And it's grace that gives me the confidence I've found to go hard, go crazy hard, to try, to try again.

I talk about grace a lot. But there's one area I don't trust to grace, one area that occupies a lot of my thoughts, one area I mull over and over and over again, that I worry about, agonize about, try to exhaustively plan my way out of. It's something I've seen go pretty terribly for a number of people around me. I'm torn. A good fundamentalist would say that whatever God gives me is my lot and I'll have to deal with it, but I couldn't deal with it. I'd rather not have it at all.

So, I was pretty surprised when, during the sermon at church today, this little thought whispered into my brain "You talk about grace so much, why can't you believe that in this area of your greatest fear God would also provide grace, and give you something wonderful?"

I found myself stunned, blinking back tears incongruous with the sermon point. What? What?


I pushed the thought away as soon as it came; I can't afford to hope for this and then be let down, I can't afford to trust in faith only to be wrong. In many other things, but not in this.


But, I can't help but wonder. Was that thought from my own psyche, my increased positive self-regard, self-cheering, and general positive thoughts sneaking their way into the most fearful part of me? Or, was it the Holy Spirit, speaking incomprehensible promise into a wounded part of my heart?
I don't know, I wish a did know.

I talk about generous grace a lot. Maybe the next thing will be to see how big my faith is.

A Confession

I'm a romantic at heart. I pretend like I'm not, I even shun romantic things, but it's because I'm such a romantic, my heart so wants to be in love, that it hurts to watch. So, I'm a romantic. But if you ask me about it I'll deny it.

Summer Course Overload Posthumous

Amazingly, I did survive June. I took Personality, Stats, and Intro to Painting. I made an A in Personality and Painting and a B- in Stats. The term was 5 weeks long and half way through I came down with a flu and exhaustion and was sick for a week. My GPA for the term was still 3.5something at the end. I lost my parking spot, I made a couple friends, I learned how to paint, I got a really awesome perspective on the development of personality, I survived a class with numbers.

I didn't sleep a lot.

I painted A LOT.

This was my final project in painting.

Now I'm in Abnormal Psychology.

What I would say to my 18 year-old-self if I could

If I could go back in time and have a nice sit-down conversation with myself at 18 (and just beginning college) I  would say the following: 

• Stay on Crew as long as you can
• Don't date anyone named Michael, or Mike, or Mickey. Just...don't.
• What people at church think doesn't matter, most of them are bluffing out their, um, butts, so not only is it bluffing but it's unpleasant to deal with. Do what you want, don't do what you don't want. 
• Go into therapy; it's okay, you'll feel better. Being messed up is not some kind of incurable disease, it's not like AIDs, you're not going to spread it to everyone you become intimate with, you're not "incurable." 
• Do what you want, don't do what you don't want. If you want to go out, go out, if you don't, don't. That's good. Doing what you want to do is good. Your judgement is worthy.
• Don't hang around people who don't seem to like you. They're too busy with their heads up their own, um, butts. It doesn't mean you're not likable. There are lots of people to dislike every person in the world, it doesn't mean you're not likable, it just means you're around the wrong group. 
• Take art, take the classes that scare you, do what you think you'll probably fail at. Stop trying to compromise your dreams. Go after them and, as you learn, let them adjust. You're not going to fly away into unreality like you fear you will. 
• Travel, it will free you. 
• It's okay to be a little crazy, or even a lot crazy, and that doesn't mean you can't be awesome at the same time.
• If you don't want to go to church, don't go, if you want to go, go. But always read your Bible. And don't read the books the churches and church groups give you to read. Read the Bible, read C.S. Lewis, read Luthor. Ignore all the other things until you are genuinely interested in those topics. 
• Don't go onto chat sites. Just don't. No chatting. I know it's fun, but so are drugs. Imagine becoming a chat junkie, ugly picture isn't it, avoid it at all costs. 
• You are likable, you are. People think you're clever and quirky and creative. They're some of the best things about you. No one really gets that online, they think they do but they don't, it's called false intimacy. So, you have to go out and interact with people. They do, in fact, care to hear what you have to say when they see you. Maybe they just don't know it yet. Try talking, try interrupting, if they don't like you, that's okay, but try one more time and if they still don't like you than find some other people to hang out with. It's a big school. 
• Romance is not that important, our father is deceived in this respect. So you can stop reading the relationship books and the romance novels. They won't save you from being a failure and getting into a relationship won't make you a success.
• Contrary to what our father has said over and over, someone who gets to the end of college and is not married or engaged is NOT a looser, and they are NOT left-overs (and they aren't unlovable). They aren't. It's okay to be single, it's okay to be married.
• You are VERY lovable. You are. You are you are you are you are. You are. The voices in your head are dirty rotten liars. Look in the mirror and say one good thing about yourself every day, and it can't be the thing you said the day before.
• You are okay being just you, take the time you need, breathe, ask for help, ask for grace, try really hard, fail, ask for grace again, breathe, take your time, be yourself. You'll be happy. 
• Finally, there is grace. No, there really is. There is grace in this life, in this life. It's not just for death. You're wrong. There is grace. There is grace every day, it's real. It's really real. There are second chances and third chances and it's okay to ask for help. There ARE do overs. There is grace and the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. You'll hear those words in a song in a few years and it'll blow your mind. Live like there's grace, not like everyone is just waiting to tear you a new one. Your family is not the world and you're not them. There is grace. There is grace. There is grace. And it's yours already, use it.

I would also note that this conversation would also involve questions about why I got fat and if my acne ever went away, and a lot of incredulity on my younger self's part, as well as a lot of arguing, but I think I could get through to me, seeing as it would be me and all. Sadly, no time travel, and I probably wouldn't have believed anyone but myself at that time. :-p bummer.