Big Talk, Small Faith

I find myself talking a lot about grace lately; about how you can try hard not be afraid you're going to fail because God will work with your failures just as well as your successes, about how there are second chances, about the good things God will give you, about how you don't have to live life on the defensive.

I talk about grace a lot. And it's grace that gives me the confidence I've found to go hard, go crazy hard, to try, to try again.

I talk about grace a lot. But there's one area I don't trust to grace, one area that occupies a lot of my thoughts, one area I mull over and over and over again, that I worry about, agonize about, try to exhaustively plan my way out of. It's something I've seen go pretty terribly for a number of people around me. I'm torn. A good fundamentalist would say that whatever God gives me is my lot and I'll have to deal with it, but I couldn't deal with it. I'd rather not have it at all.

So, I was pretty surprised when, during the sermon at church today, this little thought whispered into my brain "You talk about grace so much, why can't you believe that in this area of your greatest fear God would also provide grace, and give you something wonderful?"

I found myself stunned, blinking back tears incongruous with the sermon point. What? What?


I pushed the thought away as soon as it came; I can't afford to hope for this and then be let down, I can't afford to trust in faith only to be wrong. In many other things, but not in this.


But, I can't help but wonder. Was that thought from my own psyche, my increased positive self-regard, self-cheering, and general positive thoughts sneaking their way into the most fearful part of me? Or, was it the Holy Spirit, speaking incomprehensible promise into a wounded part of my heart?
I don't know, I wish a did know.

I talk about generous grace a lot. Maybe the next thing will be to see how big my faith is.