Haunted

"Cause I'm so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild"
-Wedding Dress, Derek Webb

Ok, maybe those aren't the exact lyrics, but that's what I hear when I listen to the song, and those are the words that keep haunting me. "easily satisfied...lovers so less wild."

I don't want to be easily satisfied. I don't want less wild lovers. I want the one who's so grand he frightens me. But I'm so easily satisfied. How disappointing. Is He disappointed in me, too?

It reminds me of this chapter in John Eldridge's book The Sacred Romance. I think the chapter is actually called Less Wild Lovers. I'm not sure I even read it. I think I was afraid of what I'd find. I'm still afraid, but not so afraid that I want to stop. I want to run. I want to run until I'm home. I want to run until I'm in my Father's arms. How do I run? How do I please the one who became incarnate for me, who loves me, who died for me, who knows me? Be a good girl? But I'm not a good girl. Be perfect? I would love to be, but I believe it's beyond my capability in this life.

Do you know Rebecca St. James' song Lion? That's what I want. The rush of knowing the power before me, the terror of it, and the confidence that what's before me is Good.

What are these whispers in my head? What will they turn me into, and am I ready?

"Because money cannot buy
A husband's jealous eye..."

Cuz love is different than you think

I've been finding myself lately ruminating over the same thought. Over and over and over and over. But, ironically, I find it hard to put it into words. Or maybe...I can.

I want nothing but God.
I want that desperately. I want it more and more each day. It permiates my thoughts dozens of times an hour. It stirs every atom in my body. I want to know Him and be known.

It's a living ache inside of me. A desperate striving. Just to know and be known by the Living God.

Nothing else matters, whispers a voice in my heart. I would do anything, I would give up anything, the world is a vapor compared to this. Nothing else matters.

And, interestingly, those thoughts motivate me to live. Sort of; this world is a vapor, breathe it in. But it's so confusing, because right now I'm a vapor, too. I feel like a ghost who wants to feel the Sun on my face.

And, I'm afraid. Afraid to be that committed, to be in one hundred percent, to hold nothing back. I'm not even sure what that looks like, that I've ever seen it, but it's like a tug of war inside of me. I feel like I should give it all away, and yet I have no physical proof for such an action. I feel like I should live but I don't know what direction I need to go. Like there's so much to be done, but I'm done with it all.

And, I just want Him. I just want His presence. I want to kneel before His throne and never leave. I want to breathe. I feel like I'm in a body that doesn't fit.

Also, I want to be worthy of His presence, but I don't think I can be. That, of course, brings up an entirely other internal debate.

Am I the only one who thinks like this?