Neurosis, the Other side of Being Okay

Yesterday was was a hectic morning and hectic afternoon followed by six odd hours of talking with people at the campus ministry. Frankly, it was a good four hours of things that were honestly felt but shouldn't have been honestly shared. I did not watch my words and now I'm going to spend the next month looking over my shoulder. I also messaged the guy who gave me his number, but he has not responded. I assume he changed his mind. If he did, that's his right, people change their minds.

But, very big but, I got my grad packet submitted in it's entirety. And, it snowed beautifully. It was really truly beautiful and ethereal.

Today was much more positive, much more productive. Class, then running around trying to finish financial aid things and pay for things and make sure my grad packet was in. I ran into some Korean students and gave them my number. I printed something off at the library and came to the realization that it will be cheaper in the long run for me to buy ink and paper and print off at home. I went to the registrar's office and finally got in the third class, the one I was wait listed for. Apparently there was a glitch in the system so it's good that I did go.

I wrote out a couple of lists, one of to-dos, one of questions about the university.

I called work to find out when I had to be in today, and then ended up running back to the house to get my checkbook and go back to the university to pay for my classes because the amount was too big to pay for with a check card. Was a bit late to work but called them to tell them and my manager was cool. Work was good. It is good to work. It's too bad work doesn't pay more.

Finally, I came home and drank a beer and proceeded to bawl in front of my younger sister. I had a dream last night that my mother was in a horrible car crash and her arm was severed. While I was at the campus ministry center yesterday I felt this sense of déjà vu that I'd had this dream where I was in the ministry center and I received a call from my father to tell me my mother had died. I thought I had dealt with the stress of my mother having yet another test today, this time for lung cancer, but her having horrible headaches is shaking me up, apparently much more than anticipated. Mostly it centers around the belief that no one will ever listen to me or put me first or nurture me or take care of me ever again after she passes away. I have no proof to the contrary. A good cry is always good, but not always good in front of another person. So, no more beer for me until everything with my mother's health is resolved. I know I should trust Jesus and give everything to him, but he never responds.

Many things accomplished but many things to do tomorrow too.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Today started off well with a meeting to an advisor that had little bearing on what I'm presently doing. I only realized later that I needed to print off a sheet of paper to give me financial aid. However, I got my FAFSA corrected, so I'm one step closer.

Developmental psychology was interesting, and I should be officially in the class soon. I'm eager to participate in the service learning projects and see what this whole thing is like. I also met two students who are in class with me.

I spent some time at the BCM and my brother was there, unexpectedly. It would be nice if he wasn't irritated by most of what comes out of my mouth. He was probably in an especially unhumorous mood
because of being in a car accident earlier. I never cease to be amazed by the extending levels of poor drivers.

A quick salad and pasta for lunch. I only note this because the salad was delicious and I was ravenous, and the pasta was free and disgusting.

I attended 3-D art but the student who was not there Monday did show up today. I was allowed to stay in the class and worked on drawing until I ran out of ideas. After that I just watched how people worked with the clay and developed their creative ideas. It was fun to see the different ideas and different processes. I'm really mournful over not being able to participate in the class and have asked the professor to keep me abreast if someone drops out.

After that it was back home where I worked on my art portfolio until the evening. It is completed and on a CD. I will turn it in tomorrow. Cut that deadline really close, I did. The pictures could have been better, the photos of the pictures could have been better, but as it turned out our streak of sunny days ended today with rain all day long and a gloomy gray sky.


This picture almost made it into the portfolio, but not quite.

When I finished I went by the art store hoping they would still be open, but they weren't so I stopped by the Organic store next door to grab lunch for tomorrow. I am hoping that some organic food will stop the constant ache in my body. While I was there I had a lengthy conversation with the cashier, who is apparently a glass artist, who gave me his number.

A guy, gave me his number, and said we should collaborate, or anything. He said 'or anything." This has never happened to me and as I look a mess I'm not sure what to think. I thought he was delightful, but...this has never happened to me before. I didn't realize people actually gave their numbers out to complete strangers. And I looked a hot mess, acne on my face, no makeup, frizzy hair, a sweater and a scarf and a puffy coat, and crocs on my feet (I went out expecting no one to notice me, someone did, how odd). I feel a bit as if life is imitating art right now.

I missed the local artist's meeting (which is too bad because I'm supposed to start teaching ESL next week and likely won't be at the meetings for a while, unless I come very late and strait from work...good idea), because I was talking with the guy. I also didn't make it to the other art store before it closed. I guess I won't have all my supplies tomorrow morning. Ah, well.
What a day.

It's supposed to snow tomorrow, but I have a lovely morning class and I will turn in the last of my graduate packet. Then it will be up to God and the department head.

Tomorrow I hope to get the rest of my art supplies, the financial aid stuff processed, and my laundry done.

Assurance is not Always Happiness

Second day of classes today, and it was certainly different than yesterday.
My 2-D class is being taught by a grad student who looks all of 23 and is, in fact, 40. Color me surprised. There were several students in the class who were in a similar situation to me, so that was encouraging. In addition, the work we're going to do in the class is interesting and unique and I look forward to really delving into that.

I also discovered the library and did some more exploring.

Introduction to Psychology was not so stimulating. In fact I suspect the professor was trying to scare people off. I happen to know psychology is very cool. She seemed to take issue with several things and I could hear her irritated voice in the class before mine. Being told I could not make a good grade without the "extra credit" was not encouraging. Developmental psychology seems far more appealing to me. However; the class is taught by three different professors so I only have to deal with her for a little while, and take her tests as she is the head instructor.

I've scheduled an advising appointment tomorrow but I feel the stress of not knowing quite how financial aid (or everything) is going to work out.

Went to FexEx to try and scan my portfolio but the scans were not pleasing. I bought two of them from my largest pieces but will probably end up just taking a photo and submitting those on a cd after cropping them. It has been hard to choose what to select as I've had no direction about the standards or goals of what the school would like to see and I've found it difficult to get the department head to respond to me. I only say this because I'm nervous, nervous that what I have is not what they want. My mother has encouraged me to submit my crafts, but cards and scrap-booking and ornaments and cotton bugs are crafts...they're not art. But, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I should be submitting those and by withholding them I'm ensuring that I don't get into the program. All that to say, it appears I won't be turning in my work on Wednesday, but on Thursday. The deadline being Friday. I actually feel sick to my stomach about it.

I find myself struggling around a goodly number of people and often irritated because of the ignorance surrounding me. I was sitting in the Baptist student building today and all these overweight, well fed, Iphone owning students were sitting around talking about ridiculousness and I couldn't help but feel that I was looking at children who should be adults and I was thinking of how this whole situation would be different if we were in a war torn country or a poor country and it bothered me how they just seem to take themselves and their lives for granted, they even complain about it. How does one deal with that?

I spent an unfortunate amount of time talking to people when I should have been working today, particularly with someone on the staff with the ... Episcopalians? An overtly gay boy (man? Can we call them men if they're still in their early 20's and without a direction?) who kept pulling at his crotch and picking his nose. It was quite a contrast to his intelligent speech. And, even though we talked for over an hour, it was enough to make me reconsider returning to talk again.

My mother is still being tested for ovarian cancer (and now for lung cancer as well)  and I can feel the weight of possibility like a limestone tied to my back. I am telling myself that is why I wake up sore every morning.

My hope for tomorrow is that I will get more accomplished. I also hope to be officially admitted into the 3-D class and that I can get a syllabus for the Developmental Psychology class.

And So It Begins

My first day back in college dawned bright an early. I was woken with a gasp as my dream reality decided I would be late to class. I was not late. I was suitably early.

It was beautiful feeling for January, it's too bad the trees are so ugly and leafless. I was able to get my student ID and find out what's holding up my financial aid.

My first class was lovely and encouraging. I felt much more mature than many of my classmates but not so much as to feel ostracized. I was pleasantly surprised by the lack of students in their pajamas or sweats and the university is much better than the impression I remember getting when I toured back when I was 18.

The Developmental Psychology teacher will let all wait listed students in, so that's wonderful. I also liked the way she talked, strait forward but choosing her words carefully. She emphasized how important it is to choose words (wise advice for me as I can be extraneously wordy), and also that you get what you expect. This is something I believe strongly as a teacher, and I find myself wondering if maybe I should expand that philosophy to other aspects of my life. She had some very lovely quotes, such as always/never being like curse words in her house, and "hate" being the h-word. I liked that. She is also interested in application of theory and that really perked me up. I remember a certain Sociology class at MSU which resulted in lots of thoughts about social problems and no solutions, and I remember my frustration of that. Plus, we get to do a service project!

The classes are significantly larger than any at another school I've attended but they're not the stadium-style classes I imagined, and the campus isn't impossible to traverse.

The second class, 3-D art is still in limbo. The teacher isn't taking extra students. However; one of the assigned students didn't show up. If he doesn't show up on Wednesday than I get his spot. I'll discuss that once I know whether or not I'm truly in it.

I spent some time at the BCM. It seemed nice enough, though smaller than the one at my old university, which surprises me. I talked with several people. Mostly about school and South Korea. Can I really talk about pursuing a grad degree when I might not be accepted into the program this year? I'm thinking of checking out the other faith ministries as well.

I bought some overpriced books, but that was to be expected, and wandered around a bit, had a good (loooooong) conversation with my friend in St. Louis.

I also met with my ESL employer and she gave me the books I'll need to teach and showed me around the school where I'll be teaching in the evenings and talked to me about allllll the paper work and did a little on-site training. It was good.

Caught a pizza for dinner and stuffed the rest in bags for food tomorrow. I've found all I have to do is get a veggie lover's and my siblings don't touch it. It's hilarious that they're that adverse to vegetables.

The only unfortunate things about today:
My mother's period started after more than two years without it and my father is looking like he will try to get medical retirement from the military. I worry for them, for my mother especially.  I have been in a lot of pain lately. It radiates out of my feet in the mornings and kind of covers my whole spine and hands. I'm a little worried that fibromyalgia is starting to onset. But then, maybe I'm just blowing it out of proportion.

Tomorrow I've got two more classes and I need to search out the library for studying. I also need to get an advisor, print off a few things, fix my financial aid form, get a parking pass, and find a Kinkos to scan my portfolio (T-minus one more day before my goal to turn it in). I should start studying and start looking through everything for teaching as work should start in 9 days.

Wow, yes, busy day. O.o What on earth am I doing?

The Day Before

I start classes tomorrow. I won't be turning in twelve pieces to the graduate people, that's for sure.

I spent most of today procrastinating and telling myself that was stupid. I consider this a huge advancement from procrastinating and not even admitting how stupid it was, as was my habit in college.

See, if I admit I'm doing something stupid I can take ownership of it, and I can decide to quit it for something smarter. Which is what I have done. I am on the tenth picture right no. I cannot say it's excellent, but much improved is not wrong.

I am concerned that because I am "self-taught" the graduate program will not accept me, and the art professors will turn their noses at me. However, I took a community class from a very talented artist, I got to weekly meetings with professional artists who give me points and show me tricks, I've read books and studied online tutorials, and I've made friends with "real" artists. And...I got published once. Not a big deal, but someone thought my work was acceptable to show the public.  I say all this to defend myself against attacks that haven't begun.

I have been thinking about the last guy I kissed a lot lately. Though to be fair I've thought about him a lot since I kissed him...a year ago. I keep wondering if that was it, the last time I'll be kissed. Or worse, the last time I'll be kissed well. If it was the last time I wish I'd done more, if not than I don't know why I'm thinking of it. Except that I'm trying to make an old portrait of him into my 11th piece. That could be the source of my daily thinkings, too. Drawing him makes me ruminate. I didn't use enough contrast last time. He looks like a vampire in the old portrait; beautiful with a perfect mouth and consuming black eyes. A black heart under a sweet facade. Oh, yes, I was conflicted while I was seeing him, can you tell?

It took me quite a while to figure out all the bits and pieces of the pieces I've been working on. I want to scream "I'M NOT FINISHED! I'M NOT FINISHED!" But that's not how it works. A prime example is that I've been working on one of these pictures for three years.

So much to do tomorrow, I don't know how I'll succeed at it all.

The ladies in my cg are planning to start a book club. I haven't responded but I'm a little cautious about it. Books tend to just make me paranoid, but I'd like the chance to know them better.

I also sent a short message to one of the women's leaders at church yesterday. It was polite but strange. She has not yet responded and I think there's a fair chance she won't. I suspect the question I asked was rude, but I don't know how to go about finding out the answer without being unintentionally rude.

Ah, well.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, you're only two hours away.

No more of this procrastinating foolishness, back to work.

A little this and a little that.

I'm going to start college again in two days. The school I told myself I'd never attend (don't tell them that). Well, I never thought I'd be back in Louisville either. I never ever thought I'd be going after a degree in Art Therapy.

I thought I was going to be a writer, because I had all these wonderful stories in my head.

I'm not saying I don't want to write now, I'm just a little more invested in making a difference rather than in telling my own stories. I can still write, and, who knows, now that I don't have to tell my own stories, maybe I can finish them. A kind of catharsis in the not needing to express it all. Yes, that makes complete sense.

I have also decided to post random pictures along with each post, which I hope will be many and often.

Classes begin Monday and I'll find out what class I'm teaching on Monday as well  (oh, yes, I was hired as an adult ESL teacher, my value in society has been restored, along with a new dose of guilt for needing a "good" job to feel valuable. I don't feel right if I don't feel guilty for something) .

It strikes me how different I am than I was nine years ago when I began college. I'm not all bright eyed and bushy tailed, not terrified of a new step, not scattered around like dust in the wind. Nope, not dusty, decidedly muddy now. I've got a bit of water in me, a bit of life and solidity. I'm going to be in class with freshmen. I'm teaching adults and I'm going to be in class with children.

Fun, fun.

This should be interesting.

Phineas and Ferb

There are a lot of times in life when I am wrong. This is one of those instances.
When I first saw the commercials for the Disney cartoon Phineas and Ferb I immediately disliked it. I couldn't believe that they had successfully launched a glaringly simplistic drawing style. Heads as shapes, little to no shading, what was this? My prejudice lead me to change the channel every time that triangle head came on, and lead me to comment in disgust about it at a local gathering of artists. One gentleman, had the wisdom to disagree with me. He said that his son liked it and he was impressed by the stories.

So, I took a look. And I was hooked after the first episode.

I now adore it. Shows with stories like these, idiosincrasities like these, they are what make tv worth watching.